Rachel Rocket Saves The Day!

It’s not easy being the sidekick, you know? You’re never the hero – someone else beats up the baddie, and you’re stuck in the background while they get all the praise. You never get to DO anything – you’re the annoying one, the one who always gets captured – or worse! My least favourite thing about it, though? The dicks. Lots and lots of dicks. And I don’t mind ‘mildly unpleasant people who make fun of you behind your back’, either (though there’s a lot of them too!). I mean literal cocks. Fat, throbbing, veiny cocks. The Mistress’ cock (yes, she calls herself that. She’s such a bitch- But don’t tell her I said that!) is pretty bad, but I’m used to it by now. Mostly used to it, I mean. But, well, she calls me her ‘rape bait’. It’s exactly what it sounds like. My job is to cause a, ahem, ‘distraction’. Not that it ever happens on purpose – they always get me afterward. And then, of course, she makes me thank her for the rescue by gobbling down a king-sized helping of baby-batter. Yum.

Oh, sorry. My name’s Rachel Rocket. I think that’s a pretty cool superhero name, but The Mistress doesn’t. So people call me ‘Ballseye’. I’m not quite sure I get the joke, but there’s definitely one there.

So I bet you’re wondering what I can do, huh? ‘What’s her power?’ is what you’re thinking, right? Or maybe you just want me to get to my latest adventure. I’m not psychic, jeez! I’m just kinda fast. Not, like, speed-of-light fast – you can definitely see me running – but I am faster than most people. Like, I could totally win in the Olympics if, you know, they’d let me in. I also have a pair of- Well, they’re not really horns anymore. The Mistress, she had them sanded down so they’re just a couple of nubs on my forehead. I tried to stop her, I told her I could do more damage when they’re sharp! But she said something about ratings and blood. Or rapings. I’m not sure why she always whispers.

The phone rang, and I really didn’t want to answer it. It was The Mistress – I could tell by the picture of her floppy, frankly massive willy filling the screen. She only calls me during emergencies, so I knew I was in trouble. Sure, there’s justice to be done and evil to be fought but… Well, my butt still hurt, and I’d only just managed to get the stains out of my cozzie. I chewed on my lip, watching it, daring- Hell, forcing myself not to answer. If there’s one thing I’m scared of more than rushing into the unknown, it’s The Mistress. I held my breath, keeping perfectly still. I don’t know why, maybe I just thought she could see me somehow. Eventually, the moans echoing from the device faded away as she got to the answering machine. I began to let out my breath, but almost choked when she called me again, this time from her Super Emergency phone. The sound of flesh slap